Written by Li-Hsian Choo
Today, we live in a world where many children are overindulged and underparented, and permissive misbehaviour has sadly become quite common. More and more parents are leading ‘busy lives’. Many have limited time to nurture and care for their own children, so tend to delegate their parental responsibilities to teachers in schools and other caregivers in the community. It is also troubling to see many children being influenced by negative values as a result of their unfiltered access to mass and social media.
Raising children may look easy before you actually become a parent so most people embark on this journey hoping to wing it along the way. Parenting is really a ‘work-in-progress’ at any and every point, and it is important to remember that there are no perfect parents. However, it is important to have a bigger purpose in mind and give some real thought to the kind of person you would like your child to become, the person whom you will eventually send out into society.
Jill Rigby, the author of Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World, offers very useful proactive and positive tips on parenting. She points out that in an effort to raise children with a healthy view of themselves, many parents focus on self-esteem rather than on self-respect, even though there is a big difference between the two ideas. Focusing too much on self-esteem results in children becoming self-centred instead of other-centred and performance-driven instead of purpose-focused teenagers.
Rigby examines three different styles of parenting: parent-centred, child-centred, and character-centred. Parent-centred parents are more preoccupied with their own agenda than their child’s best interest. Child-centred parents are more concerned with their children’s approval than their overall well-being. However, character-centred parents are more rightly concerned with their child’s character than with their child’s comfort. Drawing a distinction between performance and purpose, the book maintains that rather than focusing on what you want your child to do, you should ask what you want your child to become.
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Like many things, respectfulness can be learned by children over time and through practice. Thankfully, there are also ways to encourage your child to develop into a more respectful individual. Here are some strategies that we have learned over time from various sources and tried to apply in our own family:
1. Model respectful behaviour and speech. As a parent, you need to remember that what you do and say is critical, as your children are always watching. By interacting and speaking respectfully to people around you, regardless of who they are, you can model respectful behaviour to your children. People around you would include your children, other family members, your domestic helper, and even strangers whom you meet in your daily life, such as the security guards and cleaners in your condominium, the waiters at the restaurant, and the staff at the shops you go to. At home, you can also point out that whilst your husband and you may not always agree on some things, you always strive to listen to each other and respect each other’s opinions instead of putting each other down.
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2. Treat your own child with respect. We do not generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them. Often, we grew up in environments that equated fear (of punishment) with respect. They are not the same thing. Treating your child with respect can be as simple as alerting your child that play time at a particular place, for instance, is almost over. Sometimes, parents who suddenly decide it is time to leave a play or other area to go home will just snatch their children away abruptly. As Alfie Kohn, author of The Brighter Side of Human Nature: Altruism and Empathy in Everyday Life, points out, “That’s a disrespectful way to treat a human being of any size.” We often speak in an authoritarian manner to children and forget that if the words and gestures we choose are disrespectful to an adult, the same words and gestures are equally hurtful to a child. Another way of showing respect to your child is to listen attentively without judgment and distraction as your child shares the events of each school day on the drive home. This will also show them how to listen respectfully to others.
3. Let your child know often that how they treat others matters to you greatly. For example, if the teacher points out that your child helped a friend with school work or stood up for a classmate who was treated meanly by others, tell your child how proud you are of him or her. In another scenario, your child might think it is funny to see a motorcyclist on the road getting splashed when a car drives by and hits a puddle. In that situation, you can point out that it is disrespectful to laugh at the motorcyclist who is clearly upset as his clothes have become dirty and wet.
4. Don’t let rudeness pass. You might say, “That cashier at the convenience store must have had a really bad day to talk to us in such a rude way. What do you think?” This teaches your child to recognise rude and disrespectful behaviour, and also that when someone is nasty to you, you do not have to be mean in response.
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5. Acknowledge respectfulness. Be sure to show your child that you notice when someone else is being respectful and kind. For example, if someone slows down to let you exit a parking lot at a busy intersection, say, “It was really nice of that motorist to let me out.” Likewise, if your own child treats someone respectfully, like letting someone exit the lift before going in, be sure to acknowledge and praise his or her effort as it happens.
6. Understand that your child’s perception is sometimes misguided. Often, children do not fully understand certain words or gestures before using them on others. If your child says or does something socially inappropriate and disrespectful, it is important to discuss the comment or action calmly. You can ask, “Why did you say or do that?” Then you can correct your child’s misguided behaviour or speech once you understand the context of where it comes from. For example, children may mimic a bad word or gesture after seeing it being used in a TV programme or by another child, and think it is something “cool” without understanding the underlying meaning. Something amazing happens when your child believes you are really interested in his or her thinking. They will then be much more receptive to what you have to say and more willing to accept your point of view.
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7. Teach polite responses. Children can show caring and respect for others through good manners, by using, for example, a simple “please” or “thank you” regularly. Explain to your children that you are more inclined to help them when they are polite and speak respectfully to you. Emphasise that you do not like it when they speak in a discourteous manner. You can ask, “What would be a more respectful way to tell me what you want or how you’re feeling?” And discuss the possible responses. Again, modelling respectfulness yourself also works better than lecturing. Saying “please” and “thank you” to your child (and others), will help him or her understand that the phrases are part of normal communication, both within your family and in public
8. Be very aware of what your child picks up from mass and social media. Children will imitate actions and scenarios they see on screens and read about in books, so try to ensure that they access good ones that promote the values that you believe in. Be particularly aware of the YouTube videos, TV programmes, and movies your child watches, and be available to talk about what they see and to correct any misconceptions. Also, encourage your child to read good books that have characters who showcase positive values and principles.
9. Avoid setting up competition between children in your family. When you say, “Let’s see who can clean up the fastest,” you risk setting your children up as rivals. Kohn says, “When children are pitted against one another in an effort to win at anything, they learn that other people are potential obstacles to their success.” They may treat others they see as obstacles disrespectfully. Instead, encourage them to work together with others to get the job done and praise them for their group effort.
In the end, we also need to regularly remind ourselves to be patient with our children, as life presents challenging situations even to adults. They are still learning how the world around them works and understanding their own role in larger society.
Parenting coach Pam Leo advises parents to commit to being “proactive rather than reactive, by continually nourishing our parent-child connection.” She meaningfully shares that “the level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents.” Being a loving and present parent and a great role model to your child will go a long way toward raising a respectful human being who can make a positive contribution to the world.
Continue reading other articles by Li-Hsian:
- Recommended Holiday Reads – Books Featuring Malaysia, by Malaysians
- Keeping Our Children Safe and Healthy Around Screens (Part 1)
- Keeping Our Children Safe and Healthy Around Screens (Part 2)
- Our Favourite Chinese New Year Reads
